a list of everyone I have kissed, whose names have not been changed
Kevin Theiss-Kissed behind the puppet show in Kindergarten. I remained tragically in borderline stalkerish love with him until about seventh grade. I collected his discarded candy wrappers and trash, which I used in a scrapbook devoted to him.
Alex Holliday-First real boyfriend. Exchanged “love you” words. He wore MXPX t-shirts and tube socks. Introduced me to The Clash, The Ramones, etc. Dated for about a year and a half. Dumped him because I developed a crush on someone I never ended up kissing.
Alex Dow-The first person I dated that only made sense on paper. I think I dated him to prove that I could date someone other than Alex Holliday. He was like a brother.
Sean Theis-He told me I looked like Avril Lavigne. I think he cooks meth now.
Nick Giacoletto-Second real boyfriend. Dated for about a year and a half. We broke up once because he cheated on me with an overweight statistician for his soccer team. The first person I had underwhelming sex with.
Craig Thomas-Totally sweet and very fun guy. Wholly out of my league. The worst kisser in history.
Justin Schneider-I think I dated him for a combination of the following reasons: he was nice to me, dumb, good looking and comically rich.
Trevor Mattea-Serious boyfriend who, on paper, should have been The One. We were both very into ourselves and each other and our brand. We had nearly as much fun and as much drama as Syd and Nancy.
Humanity: A Reference Guide for Aliens by: Deidre Davis
Here’s an excerpt from my new book!
Brigitte Bardot is a very famous French (13) actress (20), singer (21), model (24) and object of lust. Most people, even The Beatles (12, 21, 33, 42, 67) agree that in her prime, Bardot was the most beautiful woman in the world. However, she is racist (2, 6, 12, 20, 21, 24, so on) which most people agree is the ugliest thing a human can be. Popularized: the bikini (17, 24, 59) teased hair (21, 59).
DEIDRE, continuing. “It seems like everyone knows what they’re doing with their lives but me. I haven’t even finished college yet. I’m twenty three.”
TAMI grabs DEIDRE’S hand.
“Listen, hon.” TAMI interrupts, with urgency and purpose. “You are the most talented, beautiful, intelligent friend anyone could ever ask for. You are more capable than anyone else in this town.” (DEIDRE lives in Dillon now.)
TAMI continues, “No one ever said you had to graduate college in four years. And if they did, don’t listen to them. You don’t owe anyone anything but yourself.”
DEIDRE is sniffling now, looking at the table. DEIDRE is pretending that TAMI isn’t helping as much as she really is. Also, though, DEIDRE has to look away, or else DEIDRE would just keep staring at TAMI wondering how she can be so pretty yet so strong.
“Hell, honey, I didn’t even have a job for sixteen years. Do you think I couldn’t hear people talk about me like I was just the coach’s wife? Like I had nothing more to offer the world? In one year I was promoted from guidance counselor to principal of Dillon High.”
TAMI was right. She always was. (Just ask her husband.) DEIDRE doesn’t have to words to thank TAMI, so she just hugs her as best as she can. TAMI smells like clean laundry.
[Door opens, COACH TAYLOR enters]
DEIDRE can feel TAMI and ERIC exchange glances behind her back, as TAMI is still hugging DEIDRE. ERIC goes to the bedroom without making a sound. ERIC doesn’t want to interrupt them, and their moment, BUT some shit just went down with BUDDY and THE BOOSTERS and ERIC wants his wife (TAMI) to himself. TAMI is a natural counselor. Everyone wants TAMI’s advice.
DEIDRE senses that she should go and tell TAMI goodbye. DEIDRE leaves the TAYLOR’S house and gets in her truck. (DEIDRE lives in Dillon now).
“Once a little boy sent me a charming card with a little drawing on it. I loved it. I answer all my children’s letters — sometimes very hastily — but this one I lingered over. I sent him a card and I drew a picture of a Wild Thing on it. I wrote, “Dear Jim: I loved your card.” Then I got a letter back from his mother and she said, “Jim loved your card so much he ate it.” That to me was one of the highest compliments I’ve ever received. He didn’t care that it was an original Maurice Sendak drawing or anything. He saw it, he loved it, he ate it.”—Maurice Sendak (via nedhepburn)